May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and I didn’t want it to fly by so fast, as life is wont to do, without the spotlight switched on, in particular to the AWARENESS piece.

This is where I pause, Take a Big Breath, then mentally and soulfully grab the hands of all that have journeyed beside me, held me up and those that lit the path and led the way. And I begin to share my story.

WHY??

“Tell the story of the Mountain you climbed. Your words could become a page in someone else’s Survival Guide ” – Morgan Harper Nichols

My name is Sue. Other identifiers that I claim: Suez, Susan if you want to get my full attention, Love, Hun, Mom, Mother, YaYa, HEY YOU! She/Her and… SURVIVOR.

In some Circles, RECOVERED would also be inserted, but the way I view it, I’m evolving still and hope always to be.

FREE from a severe and life threatening Eating Disorder that had a savage grip for 35 years? YES!!!

FREE from Childhood/Adolescent trauma? ALSO, YES!!

FREE from Depression /Anxiety? Most Days, NOT All the Days.

FREE from Chronic Pain? Most Days, NOT all the Days.

So… WHAT SHIFTED?!!

How was I able to go from an Often Bedridden, Often Hospitalized, In and Out of Treatment Centers, Permanent Feeding Tube Life to

An Amazing Life Filled with Adventure, Fulfillment and Health?

I want to give you a short bit of a backstory… not to minimize the importance of the past but because thats where all that lives, in the back… and while we don’t move in that direction, it helps to speak to the WHY and eventually the HOW.

My Birth Mother surrendered me at birth.

Physical/emotional/sexual abuse survivor.

My Adoptive Mother died unexpectedly when I was 16.

My Adoptive Father couldn’t cope with parenting through the loss, so he didn’t.

Fertile Ground for a genetic propensity for an Eating Disorder and PTSD to take Root in, Ya Think?!

*add in also a generational history of Anxiety and Depression and history of GI issues for good measure.

First suicide attempt at 17.

Also worth noting:

Married at 19.

First Child at 20.

Divorced, Bankrupt and reeling by 23.

My first “official” treatment specific to an Eating Disorder didn’t happen until I was nearly 30 years old, though I had been in therapy for years.

I bounced in and out of different treatments, both locally and 2 stints out of State.

I’ll insert this here and now and I may mention it again, with the disclaimer that this is MY story and MY road, it’s not to say that treatment centers are ALL bad and that you shouldn’t ever do it. THATS not my point, so if you walk away from this story with that, then we’ve both failed this mission!

I, personally 100% DO NOT BELIEVE IN COOKIE CUTTER TREATMENTS, INSURANCE LED, “EVIDENCE BASED “ MODALITIES ( FOLLOW THE MONEY…) I never have. Which was problematic when I’d end up immersed in it.

I wasn’t yet aware of the options that my inner self and guides were desperately trying to lead me to.

Little did I know that the progression would take as long as it did. It was a Looooooong Road.

I was Labelled “Treatment Resistant”

hmmmm…

We could unpack all that, but we don’t have the time here today, and quite honestly I’d prefer to spend our time here to talk about what DID work VS. what so clearly did not, quite the opposite- it actually did FAR MORE DAMAGE. I will say this before I move on…. In my journey I have experienced more Bad Therapists and Psychiatrists than good, and went through more “Flavor of the Month” therapies and “best practice” modalities than I can count.

I left my last treatment with Threats, and proclamations by the professionals of Doom and non-survivability.

but here’s the thing….

My SPARK never went out.

At times it was only a coal, an ember.

A SLOW BURN.

Properly fueled , that inner fire BECAME A RAGING INFERNO.

As is often the case with long term disorders and chronic illness, it’s often about getting enough time, SURVIVING long enough, to gather the tools to recover, which can mean several starts, stops and periods of relapse. NOT EVERYONE GETS THAT TIME. I came scarily close more than once to not.

As life happens, progress is often sidetracked,

Yet it is often in the failures that we eventually find our footing.

So, HOW?

How did I go from Face down in the Arena ( thanks Brene Brown for ALL the gems!)

To Finding the path back to Myself?

Please follow along for part II.

All Photo Credits belong to the Great Talent and Great Love of My Life: C. Nields III

Check him out@ http://chucknieldsphotography.com and http://nieldsphotography.com