PART II

a.k.a. STAY and WALK BESIDE ME

WELP….
I didn’t get the full story posted before Mental Health Awareness Month ended..
But you know what?
It’s ok. It’s ok for many reasons, here are two;
Mental Health Awareness shouldn’t take a back seat because the designated ( and further- designated by whom, exactly?) month is over.
There was a time in my life where I would have clung to all sorts of negative judgements about not meeting a deadline, even a self- imposed one, often to the point of “throwing the baby out with the bath water”, or never getting started in the first place.
And because the mission is that important to me, and because I don’t do that to myself anymore( much) here is the next part of MY STORY.

I’m gonna put this right here….

I have been unbelievably and unfathomably supported by quite possibly the greatest human on the planet, and I get to call him Husband. (Pinch me, I STILL get to call him that.) Throughout this journey he has remained by my side, pushing me when I needed it, letting me flail, and fail when I needed that. Ignoring the people who asked him WHY he would stay…. And even when I at my lowest… doubted it was the best thing for him to stay. He Stayed. He believed in me when I couldn’t believe in me. He stayed with me in the dark. He’s a fixer… BUT HE COULDN”T FIX THIS.

ACCOUNTABILTY AND COMMITMENT

Assembling a Dream Team of providers who either aligned with my beliefs, or at bare minimum were willing to think outside of the proverbial box, who LISTENED and were willing to do the deep dive WITH me in Partnership, yet with me as the QB, Master of the Outcome. After all, whose life were we out to save?????

A medical team outside of the “BIG 2”. Not driven by the numbers and the revolving door. People who spent the TIME to get to know me ( trust issues and all, flaws and all) as a person and not just as a patient. I found them in the most unexpected place – the HOSPITAL. (yes, I loathe Hospitals…. yet somehow this was gonna be the place I needed to be.) I got 3 of the most Amazing Doctors. They went ALL IN for me. They monitored me physically and threw the life preserver to me when it was deemed medically necessary. Sometimes I’d even listen and began to trust to the extent that it was possible. Not Always.
but…
They STAYED and they WALKED BESIDE ME.

A Therapist who specialized in Eating Disorders, yet who had left both local centers. While centers weren’t for me… therapy most certainly was a critical tool in my belt. Having someone to connect with on a regular basis and most importantly AVAILABLE when I was in crisis. My Therapist is not only wise, she actually walked the same road before me, so her insight was PRICELESS . Still is , Every Week.
SHE STAYED AND WALKED BESIDE ME.

An RD who also had left the “BIG 2”.
Who practiced functional medicine who also understood the implications of GI complications.Who also, took the time to know me as a human. Who challenged me, and held my feet to the fire,
SHE STAYED AND WALKED BESIDE ME

A second Therapist who was willing to look beyond the lens of the broken, disease model. Who introduced concepts to me regarding purpose and mentorship and we talked about archetypes and philosophies and we merged different things ‘till we found a groove that yielded results!
HE STAYED AND WALKED BESIDE ME

*An Insurance Case Coordinator who became connected, invested and INVALUABLE.
SHE STAYED AND WALKED BESIDE ME

*I Read, ALOT.
I relied on quotes to get me through. Mantras. I have what I refer to as “Pocket People”. Authors who resonated with me, who were mentors and Gurus that I’ll probably never meet, but I carry them with me.
THEY PAVED THE WAY. TRAILBLAZERS. ILLUMINATORS. LIGHTHOUSES.

*I connected deeply with Nature.

I found that the place where I can fully breathe, is among the trees. I started ever so slowly, which was frustrating at times. I started with drives with hop outs to breathe, and I looked for every way to bring the outdoors in. Essential oils, candles, photos.Then walks. Then Long walks, then hikes. then thru hikes, backpacking, then PEAKS!!
NATURE IS ALWAYS AROUND ME. WITHIN ME.

*I EMBRACED THE SUCK.

AND BOY O BOY DID IT SUCK. ALOT!
BUT…then it didn’t.

*I began to live my life “AS IF.”
What would I do if I could? If I weren’t as so many had told me, as I believed myself to be… so broken?

I Became Strong ( Not just strong-willed.)

I LIVED MY BRAVE.

I’m reconnecting to a spirituality that I had abandoned long ago, that resonates in my core, my essence. I AM that Woman.

Yes, I’m spiritual. Yes, I’m Love and Light but don’t for one second think that I won’t whack someone upside the head with my Broom, if need be!!

And Lastly , but most importantly, I learned that not everybody is Safe, not everyone has earned all of my story. I am BEYOND blessed to have the love and support of an amazing spouse and and adventuring partner, amazing offspring and a Grandson who have brought new leases and new and incredible joy and adventure to my life. Loving, loyal and adventurous friends and the loyalty and love of my old Trail girl, Winnie-the-Poohdle, and My new Trail buddy, Roo La Roux. Never underestimate the healing power of a companion animal.

THEY STAYED AND WALKED BESIDE ME.

I have learned that I get to Choose who sits on my Council and who DOESN’T get a seat around my fire.

Thank you for helping me level up to the next phase-which is to share my Journey, in the hopes of being a lighthouse for others, as those before me.

“Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining. ” – Anne Lamott

I’ll leave you with this:

HOLDING SPACE = Listening With Empathy, Emotionally Connecting, withholding judgement and communicating that incredibly healing message :

“You are not Alone”.

I’m Holding space for YOU.

Namaste.